Page 20 of Never Again (Never Blue)

My hands shot up, fisting the sides of her hair. “I fucking love you, Tali.”

She laid her hands over mine. “I know you do, Jude. I know.”

Eventually, she found her place on my chest again, both of us staying quiet, because there was nothing left to say. I couldn’t even promise her I wasn’t going to die. That shouldn’t have been too much to ask, but it was when all I could think about were the pills in the bathroom.

I’d contemplated my own mortality a whole hell of a lot over the past couple years. I hadn’t felt invincible since I was a teenager and my friends died in a car wreck, but losing Ben had made me stare down my lifeline like it was a tangible thing. Every time I snorted blow or took a pill, I plucked at that line, testing its fortitude.

Tali fell asleep, and I knew it was the last time this would happen. I held out for as long as I could, stroking her hair, feeling her skin. But the pull of my faithful mistress was too strong. I left her in my bed and went into the bathroom, shaking out two pills and swallowing them dry.

I stood there, arms braced on the counter, letting the dopamine flood my brain and tell me it would all be okay. When I was convinced, I returned to bed with Tali, but she had turned to her side, away from me. I curled my body around hers, holding her tight against my chest, and let myself drift away.

When I wokeup the next morning, or maybe afternoon, Tali was gone. Her pillow was cool, and when I hauled my ass out of bed, her things weren’t in her room.

She’d packed her shit and left without saying goodbye. I dropped my forehead to her doorjamb.

I may have let Tali go a few years ago, but that was the moment I accepted it was truly over. We were never going to have a happy ending.

At least not together.