Page 56 of The Other Side of Wild
She throws her head back and laughs like this isn’t some internal meltdown I’m having. “Megan, how dare you! I’m having a quarter-life crisis here.” She laughs harder, and I smile.
“Hannah, you just keep moving. You focus on your affirmations, you pray, and you do things that make you feel happy. You surround yourself with people who love you foryou.Eventually, your brain will catch up..”
“I really don’t like how much sense you make sometimes.” The knot in my chest loosens a little bit, but then a certain six-foot-something hockey player skates through my mind. “I don’t know what to do with Greyson. He apologized, and I believe him. But dang it, Megan, I’m terrified of letting him anywhere near my heart. I don’t want to put myself out there just to find out I’m really not enough.”
She puts her notebook down and crosses her legs, “What do you want to do? If you could have any outcome, what would it be?” Internally, I crack up; the possibilities are endless. That man is a freaking snack and a half.
“I’d kiss the hell out of him, then lovehim forever.” Wait,love?!Before I can run with that thought, my mind latches on to negativity like a leech and takes off like a rocket on its way to the moon. Forgetting all the good things that happened along the way.
Like the times Greyson helped me talk through my feelings. Or when he made sure I was okay after we ran into Kyle. The way he shared his special place with me, then when he sought me out to help him through his panic attacks. All those things I’d cherished at the moment were brought to a crashing halt as the only negative words he’d ever said to me settled in.
I know he’s not a bad man, but his actions 99% of the time I’ve known him have proven that he didn’t actually feel that way. But in the same way my mom slammed doors in solicitors faces when I was little, my brain slammed the door of trust in his face and threw the key away. Then deadbolted it and put some iron bars in front of it, just in case.
“Okay, let’s say it's the worst-case scenario. What does that look like for you?”
“That he murdered someone and has the body parts stored in freezers of all his friends without their knowledge? It looks pretty scary, Megan.”
She stares at me, mouth hanging open, then shakes her head. “Okay, you’re right. Your brain is over-imaginative. I’m sure it’s nothing like that. If that was the case? Would that be a deal breaker for you?”
What in the world? “Yes, Megan, if he were a murderer, that would be a deal breaker. Are you for real?”
“I think it’s safe to say he isn’t, so let’s try to take the imagination down a level or two. You need time to sort through your thoughts. Maybe he does, too. Maybe you could reach outto him and let him know that when he’s ready to tell you what happened, you’re ready to listen. But until then, you’d appreciate the space.”
Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. However, my fear of rejection isn’t going to let that happen. But I nod anyway to appease her, then immediately chastise myself for giving in to my people-pleasing tendencies. With that, we ran out of time for the day. Therapy has always left me feeling twenty pounds lighter, but also like I previously consumed copious amounts of alcohol and had one heck of a hangover.
Today, I don’t have much of a choice in my post-therapy activities because I have a meeting to attend. As I pull out of the parking lot, my phone rings. Looking at the caller ID, I see it’s Abby.
“Sup?”
A snort sounds from over the phone. “What are you, twelve? Sup? Really?” Her laughter sets off my own as I stop at a red light.
“Sorry, please forgive me. Hello Ms. Knight, how may I assist you on this glorious morning?”
“You can come hang out with me, some of the guys, and a handful of neon lights tonight.” There’s a hopeful current to her words. But wait, is there a country bar here? Not that I would know because I spent the last eight years shunning literallyeverything that reminded me of home.
“Sure, could be a good release after the conversation I’m about to have with Nora.”
Her gasp sounds like a shout in the quiet car. “Oh shoot! I’m so sorry I forgot that it was today. I should have been home when you left this morning.”
“Abs, it’s fine. I just left Megan’s office; I feel good. I’m not worried about the conversation as much as I’m worried about the weight of disappointment. I haven’t had someone disappointed in me in a long time. You know how hard I try to avoid that very thing.”
I’m met with a sigh and a stint of silence, one that would normally make my skin itch, but I find it oddly comforting today. My mind isn’t running its normal marathon; I feel like I have a direction to head in. One that feels good and right for me, not for anyone else.
“You can’t please everyone, Han. I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first for once.” Her voice full of warmth fills me in a way only words from her can. “From the outside looking in, it’s like you’ve been this priceless statue that’s been hidden under a tarp collecting dust for years. Now it’s been taken out, dusted off, and is being polished so it can really shine. You got this; don’t let your fear of disappointing someone keep you stuck in something that you’ve outgrown.”
My chin quivers as I pull into the Tampa Today parking garage. Sniffling to keep the snot trying to escape my nose, I put the car in park. “Thank you. You’ve been such a big part of this, giving me tough love when I need it. Letting me figure things out on my own timeline, yet loving me through it. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to watch someone you care about self-destruct, but thank you for sticking around. You truly are the sister I never had.”
“Dang it, Hannah, I’m at work. Stop it!” We bothhatecrying, especially when there are witnesses to said event.
“Gotta go, I can’t put this off anymore. Send me the details for tonight. Love ya, sister.”
“Love you too! Get'em, Cowgirl!” She calls before she throws in a “Yeehaw.” My head hits the headrest as I look up at the ceiling of my car. If you had asked me two weeks ago if I would be walking into a job where I know there’s a promotion waiting for me just to put in my two weeks, I’d laugh in your face. If you had asked me two weeks ago if I’d agree to go line dancing and not recoil when my best friend called me “cowgirl,” I’d ask you what you were smoking.
At this moment, I’m content. I’m relaxed. I’m going into that office, and I’ll be grateful yet firm in my decision. Then I’ll go dancing with my friends, and tomorrow I’ll call Madeline.
A girl with plans that don’t fully revolve around work. Who am I?
Chapter 32 – Greyson