Page 22 of El Pecador (Saint-Sinner 2)

  Damien’s chest.

  That my world truly came crashing down.

  If I thought I was dying before, watching Roman die, this moment in time just proved me wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for the string of events happening one right after the other.

  Not my past.

  Not our past.

  Not my anger or my hatred.

  Not my trials and tribulations.

  Or his love for me that destroyed us both.

  My vision tunneled, all the blood drained from my face as I watched Damien’s body jolt back from the sudden impact of the bullet. He stumbled to remain upright, staggering left then right with a sway. His hand shot straight to his chest like the bullet lodged by his heart, feeling the blood gushing through his fingers at a rapid pace.

  Our eyes locked.

  “No…” I choked out one simple word.

  My voice breaking.

  My heart aching.

  My soul shattering.

  The despair in my voice recoiled off the walls that were now caving in on me. My heart jackhammering its way up through my throat.

  For a few seconds, time seemed to stand still. No one moved, including me. There was an undeniable sense of awareness penetrating through the room, deep and demanding, strangled and unnerving, hopeless and unforgiving.

  Death.

  Another gunshot blasted nearby, bringing everyone’s attention to its source. Except mine. I pushed off the ground with a heavy heart and guilty conscience, desperate and terrified I’d already lost him. The man who had been my everything for most of my life was bleeding out right in front of my eyes. A punishment far worse than death itself.

  I staggered to my feet, moving on autopilot toward Damien. Nothing could stop me, a force much stronger and more powerful than either of us could ever understand was propelling me to him.

  Our love.

  My legs burned and my body ached, running to catch his heavy limp frame before it crashed to the floor. I wrapped my arms around his waist from the back to hold him up, but my small build couldn’t hold the weight of his body and we stumbled to the ground with a hard, loud thud. A sharp ache amplified throughout my entire core like a forest catching fire, reaching places I didn’t even know I could possibly feel pain when my body broke his fall. The wind almost knocked out of me with so much intensity as his muscular frame collapsed on top of mine.

  “Damien, Damien, Damien. Oh my God, what did I do?” I tried to move him onto his side to get out from underneath him to no avail. Feeling his blood drenching my chest, my stomach, my heart and soul. We both gasped for air when someone tugged him off me. “No!” I shouted, tearing him out of Noah’s arms. Getting to my knees to cradle his head, being careful not to cause him more distress.

  An unceasing amount of blood gushed from his wound, seeping into every last fiber of my being. “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” I incessantly repeated, out of breath. Laying him in between my legs, holding his head in the crook of my arm. Instantly applying pressure to the hole in his chest. Blood poured through my fingers, soaking my hands. No matter how much pressure I applied, it wouldn’t stop.

  So much blood.

  So much fucking blood.

  He was coughing, wheezing, panting for his next breath.

  I frantically looked up, glancing all around, unable to focus on one person, screaming, “What are you doing?! What the fuck are you doing?! Help him! Help him! Someone call 9-1-1! Now!”

  In an instant, my frenzied stare found Vlad who was looming over Vinny’s brother’s lifeless body. I took in his gun that was still aimed at the man’s blasted skull, giving out orders to call for help. Quickly realizing the second blast I heard was Vlad killing him with a single shot to the head. The piece of shit hadn’t died and that bullet was meant for me. New mayhem erupted all around us while calls were being made, things were being handled, and my world was unraveling at an out of control pace.

  Damien’s body seizing uncontrollably with every forced breath that escaped his lips snapped my attention back to him. “Shhh… Damien…. Shhh… I’m here… Shhh…” I coaxed with trembling lips and unsteady eyes. Using the same soothing words he always used on me.

  My eyes frantically searched for something to apply ample pressure to the gaping hole, my hands weren’t enough to control the bleeding. Without hesitation, I ripped a piece of my already torn dress at the seam and used it, steadily applying as much pressure as I could next to his heart. Finding it hard to breathe, struggling to keep my shit together.

  Not for me.

  For him.

  Noah reappeared, giving me a questioning look as he eyed the torn fabric of my gown, silently asking my permission to help. I nodded my approval, understanding what his intentions were. He grabbed ahold of the fabric of my dress, tearing it at the slit. Wrapping it up into a ball and replaced my hand with his. Allowing the cloth to soak up the blood, and for me to focus on Damien as best I could.

  “It’s okay. You’re going to be just fine. It’s okay, baby. It’s okay… Help is on the way. I got you, alright? I got you… Just stay with me, okay? Just please stay with me, Damien.” I sucked in air, brushing a few stray hairs out of his face. “Alright? You just stay with me. Look into my eyes… Just look at me. I’m right here. I’m right here with you.”

  His fluttering eyes suddenly locked with mine, trapping my gaze with his tranquil brown stare peering back at me. Intently observing me like he always had, showing me I was, in fact, his entire world.

  “Muñeca,” he let out in a single, forced breath. “Te amo… te adoro… eres mi mundo… mi alma… mi todo…” he murmured, “I love you, I adore you, you’re my world, my soul, my everything.”

  I fervently nodded, each word relentlessly hitting me hard. Hearing them spoken in Spanish felt much more real than anything I’d ever experienced. “I know. I know, Damien,” I stated the truth, shaking and shuddering. My voice breaking. “Shhh… save your breath. Just save your breath…”

  “Don’t… have… much… time…”

  “Stop it! Don’t say that! Don’t you fucking say that to me!” Unable to hold back the desperation in my tone, hearing the strain in my own voice, I stressed, “You stay with me. Do you hear me? Do you understand me? You fucking stay with me, Damien!”

  My heart couldn’t keep up with the sentiments tearing me apart.

  Inch by inch.

  He groaned in pain, and I held him tighter, providing any comfort I could. Stroking my fingers through his long brown hair that was down just the way I loved it.

  “Do you remember how much you hated being coddled? How many times did you come home with bruises or blood and would never let Mama Rosa or I help you? Well, look at you now. It’s my turn to take care of you like I always wanted, so you see… you’re going to be okay, baby. I’m going to take care of you because we’re family, Damien. We’ve always been family and that’s what we do for each other. Okay?”

  He sluggishly nodded, placing his hand over mine on his chest, gripping it. Knowing I needed his touch, his reassurance, his love. “There… hasn’t been… one day in my life… that… I haven’t thought of… you… from the first time… I laid eyes on you…”

  “I know. You don’t have to tell me anything. I know. Please save your breath. I can’t lose you. Not now, not ever.” I blinked, tears I didn’t even notice were building and falling loosely from my eyes, down my cheeks, and into the blood flowing from his wound.

  Our pain mixing as one, belonging together. Entwined through the past and the present, the good and the bad, his darkness and my demons, through the life and future we never had.

  I didn’t stop my tears. I couldn’t. Not with him.

  Never with him.

  “I think of the innocent… little girl… the woman… I fell in love with… You are Heaven… and Hell… You are everything… to me… I love you… I think I’ve always loved you… even before I met… you…”

  “Please, Damien. Please don

’t do this to me… please…” I urged, knowing where he was going with this. The reason he was telling me these things. My pounding heart seared my chest, making my body feel like it was on fire.

  “You were the reason I… woke up every day… the idea of us together… kept me going… you kept me alive… through… Salazar… Cuba… America… me… it was always… you… the love of my life… my purpose… my strength… my heart and soul… it’s always been you…”

  I shut my eyes, choking back the sobs. Opening them just as quickly, not wanting to miss one minute of him.

  Of us.

  His truths killing me more than all his lies put together.

  “All I ever… wanted… was to see you happy… put a smile… on your face… be the man you deserved…” He swallowed hard, his voice thick with so much emotion.

  So much love.

  For me.

  For us.

  “I thought I got my… second chance… to make it happen… to see you… walking down… the aisle… wearing your white dress—”

  “No! No! No! Don’t you do this! Don’t you say your goodbye to me! This is not goodbye! Not like this! Don’t you leave me! Don’t you leave me again! Please, Damien! I won’t be able to survive it this time. I won’t!” Heart-wrenching sobs escaped my throat, the kind I didn’t know existed, feeling as though I was bleeding tears. Holding him closer to my heart, hoping he’d hear it beating for him, keeping his beating to the same rhythm of mine. For me. “I can’t breathe without you! Do you hear me? Do you understand what I’m saying? I’ve been standing in my home, in that same place where I saw my family murdered since I was nine-years-old… I don’t want to live there anymore! You’re my home! You’re my home, Damien! Please don’t do this to me. Please!”

  Tears formed in his eyes, taking in my pleas and what they meant to him. Showing his vulnerability for the first time ever, letting me witness him cry without blinking the tears away. He wanted me to see them, feel them, feel him.

  His heart.

  His soul.

  His life.

  Was holding him in my arms.

  Me.

  “I know… I’ve been standing… there… with… you… it was always… me and you… against… the world…”

  I broke down, my chest locking up, hyperventilating from bawling so fucking hard. My eyes blurred with tears, barely allowing me to see his handsome face. My lungs caved in, and I was suffocating in his death.

  In our love.

  In everything he ever meant to me.

  “Muñeca… don’t cry for me… don’t cry for… me… anymore… please…” He was fighting for every single word that seeped from his lips, through stolen breaths and a lifetime of regrets. Our memories bleeding from his heart, pouring out for all to see. He slowly reached his hand up to wipe away my tears, stroking my cheek, wanting to provide me with any comfort he possibly could.

  I leaned into his embrace, closing my eyes, remembering a happier time. His touch brought images to the forefront of my mind, showing me what he couldn’t bring himself to say. “I wanted to have… everything you did… the wife… the kids… the… happily… ever… after… grow old together… like Andromeda and Perseus… like you and me…”

  “Please don’t do this to me! Please, Damien, I beg you! Don’t leave me… I have so much I still have to te—” Shuddering, my body shook as profusely as his did. Falling forward, holding him as tightly as I could.

  “I wanted… all that for me… but most importantly… I wanted… all that… for you…”

  Uncontrollable tears streamed down my face as tears slid off the sides of his. My chest heaved, rising and falling with each rigid breath, with each beat of his heart, with each word that escaped his lips. We held each other like we were both trying to hold onto our lives, to our memories, to the future that may never be.

  It was all consuming.

  It was everything and nothing.

  He loved me in ways I never knew existed. In ways I didn’t know were even possible.

  He held me in a way I didn’t even know I needed to be held.

  His kisses, his affection, his adoration and love were mine, and I was the only thing that ever mattered…

  To him.

  As he was to me.

  “Perdóname,” he sorrowfully cried. “Forgive me.”

  I had to shut my eyes, my chest burning so badly, I didn’t know if I could ever breathe again.

  “Promise me… you will… live… you will… love… you will… be happy…”

  “Damien, please,” I begged, urged, and demanded. “Don’t do this to me. I’m so sorry!”

  “I… will… be… in… the... stars… always…” He placed his finger on the end of my nose and I instantly opened my eyes, his simple touch reached my soul.

  His body started to convulse again, this time worse than before. Blood gurgled out of his mouth, slowly drowning him in distress. His eyes fluttered to remain open.

  “Nooooooo! Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me again! Look at me, baby! Look at me, Damien! Don’t close your eyes! Please don’t close your eyes! You need to stay with me. Your light, not your darkness!”

  He looked at me.

  But it was no longer him.

  I didn’t know the man staring back at me.

  “Yes, just like that, baby… just like that… stay with me… stay with me, Damien! Don’t do this to me! Don’t fucking do this to me. Look at me! I’m right here! I’m right fucking here! Look me in the eyes, I’m right fucking here! Don’t you leave me! Don’t you leave me again! I’m right here!” I rocked him back and forth, heaving to the point of passing out, but needing to stay with him. I was his only hope.

  Our only hope.

  The only way he’d make it was through my voice. Telling myself to keep talking, keep going, do whatever it took to keep him there with me.

  Alive.

  “You saved my life, please, save yours too. For me, Damien, for me.”

  Another gasp of air snarled in his lungs, mixing with clots of blood. His end was near, and my worst fucking nightmare was about to come true. His eyes started to roll to the back of his head, a terrified expression marred his face, fearing the next phase of his soul was too real for us both.

  I laid him down, placing both hands on his chest. Fervently looking around at all the men dreadfully peering at us. “Help us! What are you doing?! Fucking help us! He’s dying! He’s fucking dying! Help us!”

  They all stood still, but Vlad got down on his knees next to Noah. Placing his hands on Damien’s chest. Trying to hold back the raging blood seeping from his wound.

  “Oh God, no! Please, God, no! Please! Please, God, please!” I gripped onto the back of his neck and got right in his face. Holding his head in between my hands to look him deep in his eyes. “Look at me! Fucking look at me!”

  He did with hazy, distant eyes.

  I didn’t hesitate, I told him the truth. All of my truths. For the first time since fate had brought us together again. “I love you, Damien! Do you hear me?! I fucking love you with everything inside of me! I never stopped loving you, thinking of you, praying that you would find me! Knowing we would one day be together again! I love you with every fiber of my being, with every beat of my heart, with every last piece of me… it’s yours. It’s always been yours… I’m yours! I’ve always been yours! Please… please… don’t do this to me… don’t leave me in America alone… when it’s all we ever wanted! When you’re all I ever wanted!”

  He smiled, and his eyes lit up, bringing back the Damien I knew. He was mine again. The man I’d loved since I was nine-years-old. Struggling to place his fingers on my face, he choked out, “I’m not… scared… of… dying… but I’m… terrified… to never… see you… again…” His hand slipped away, but I caught it in my grasp, bringing it up to my mouth. Fervently kissing it.

  “Stay with me, Damien. Feel me… here.” Placing his hand over my rapidly beating heart, repeating the words he once said to me

. “Damien, fight for me! Fight for us! Please!”

  “I… love… you… Muñeca… forever… and… a day…” His body went lax and his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

  “NOOOOOO! NO! NO!” I screamed until my throat burned and my chest ached. Bawling to the point of immense pain. “NO! NO! NO! PLEASE, GOD, NO!”

  Before I could start CPR, my body was lifted up from behind me and I was lifted into the air. “NO! Let me help him! Let me fucking help him!”

  The rest proceeded in slow motion for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Paramedics filled the vacant space, plunging a syringe into his heart, and using paddles to try to shock his body back to life.

  “One, two, three, clear.”

  His body jolted.

  “One, two, three, clear.”

  His body jerked again.

  “One, two, three, clear.”

  Nothing.

  Nothing.

  Nothing.

  “Call it,” one of the paramedics said to the other.

  Damien Montero, El Santo, the love of my life died at twelve-fifteen in the morning. Right when the words left the paramedics mouth, everything went dark around me, and my life was never the same again.

  Damien forever taking what had always only belonged to him.

  My heart.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  AMIRA

  “It’s been six months since you left this world. A hundred and eighty-two days since I said goodbye to you,” I stated, sitting in front of his grave with Mariposa flowers in my hands.

  At first, I’d stop by to see him every day, but over the last month or so, it had become three to four times a week. I spent as much time as I could talking to someone who physically wasn’t there, but spiritually felt like he still was. I sensed him standing beside me day after day, listening to me pour my heart out with every “I’m sorry,” every “I love you,” every “I miss you.” Hoping he believed it. I still endured a massive amount of guilt over the fact that he was gone because of me. That he took his last breath, when it should have been mine.