Page 32 of Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys 4)

  “What?”

  “At least she’s legal now,” I joked with a shit-eating grin on my face.

  “Fuck you,” he scoffed out, smiling.

  “Does Lucas know?”

  He shook his head no.

  “At least I won’t be the only one he’s ever hated.”

  He stopped scooping food on his plate to look at me with a questioning stare and replied, “You think he will hate me?”

  “You think he won’t?” I countered with a cocked eyebrow.

  “I don’t fucking know… I love her. I’ve always loved her.”

  I knew he was telling the truth. The way he looked at her spoke volumes.

  “Lily has always had that effect on people. It doesn’t surprise me, man.”

  “So, Briggs, huh?” he asked, changing the subject. “You next? Marriage and a baby carriage and all that shit?”

  I winced. I couldn’t help it.

  “Shit… did I—”

  “I’m going to take this food to Briggs,” I cut him off.

  Making my way back toward Briggs with my demons sitting right on my fucking shoulders. The craving to use was so goddamn intense. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my sobriety, but the mere mention of what started my demise had me crumbling in minutes. My heart was beating out of my chest and sweat began to pool at my temples.

  I was jonesing.

  I stopped in the hallway, realizing that I had gotten lost dealing with my internal struggle.

  And the irony was not lost on me.

  I closed my eyes, needing to get a hold of my emotions. My desire to relapse was running deep, taunting me with each step that I took in the wrong direction. All I saw was Briggs’ beautiful happy face, smiling, laughing for me.

  I took a deep breath, turning around. Once again gaining control over my turmoil and plaguing thoughts.

  Was it always going to be like this?

  “Oh my God, Alex, he’s gorgeous.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks, recognizing Briggs' voice instantly. I stood there frozen, listening to what sounded like a baby cooing.

  “He is pretty perfect, but I’m biased,” Alex replied, laughing. “Would you like to hold him?”

  “Oh… umm… are you sure? I have zero experience with babies, Alex. Is that okay?” She let out a nervous laugh.

  “Of course, you have to start somewhere. Here, put your arms in a cradle position and just support his head and you’re good.”

  My feet started to move forward through the narrow hallway as if a goddamn rope was pulling them. I found myself following their voices, fighting against the current every step of the way. I knew I should have turned around.

  I knew what I was about to witness.

  But I couldn’t stop. The gravitational pull was too strong. The force too powerful to fight against it.

  “Awe, you look really good holding him, Briggs. It suits you. He’s usually fussy around new people, and he doesn’t even seem fazed by you. That’s a good sign, it means you’re going to be a great mom someday,” Alex said, ripping my heart out of my fucking chest with her words.

  "Bo, you are so precious. Look at these chubby cheeks. Alex, he is going to be a heart breaker."

  The dagger that was already lodged in my heart, twisted a little more.

  "God help me if he's anything like his daddy," Alex laughed.

  “I can’t wait. I want to be a mom so bad. To wake up and see a face like this everyday would melt my heart. I’d love to have a family since I didn’t really have one growing up. Holding him right now is making me wish I had one of my own.”

  I willed my body to walk the fuck away. To walk back in the other direction. I didn't need to hear this, not now when I was struggling to stay clean. But I stopped when I heard my name.

  “Austin would make an amazing dad, Briggs. He’s always liked kids. Even when we were younger and the other boys didn’t want anything to do with them.”

  “Yeah…” Briggs replied in a sad tone. “I’d love that. To have a family with him. It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she added her voice breaking. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional.”

  “It’s okay. Baby Bo has that effect on women, he gets it from his dad.”

  They laughed.

  Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the room. Watching Briggs cradle and rock Bo as if he were her own.

  As if he was ours.

  She leaned her lips against his face and kissed his cheeks, looking at him adoringly, loving him immediately.

  “Austin,” Alex announced, looking up.

  Briggs grimaced, shutting her eyes almost instantly.

  “Come meet Bo. Although, I don’t know if Briggs is going to give him up. I think she has baby fever. Maybe it’s time you—”

  Briggs interrupted, "Alex."

  Locking eyes with me.

  There was so much sorrow behind them. She held everything she ever wanted in her arms. It was like my best dream and my worst nightmare right in front of my eyes.

  Except there was no waking up.

  This was my reality.

  And that…

  Was my biggest fucking demon.

  Briggs

  Call it intuition if you would, but the second I saw Austin coming out of the bathroom later that evening, I knew. Clear as fucking day he had just used. I wanted to call him out on it and yell at him for going back down this road again.

  “What the hell are you doin’, man?” I overheard Dylan ask as I walked toward them.

  “Not this shit again. Give me a fucking break,” Austin roared, raking him up and down.

  “Wipe your nose a little better next time and maybe I won’t ask you.”

  Austin immediately bowed his head, sniffling, cleaning his nose.

  “Get out of my fucking sight before I search you,” Dylan warned.

  Austin took a deep breath like he wanted to say something, but at the last second changed his mind, turned and left. I didn’t have to wonder what he was going to say.

  I knew the chance of relapse would be high. I just didn’t think it would happen that fast. Which I guess made me really naive.

  “How long has it been this fucking bad?” Dylan asked me, pulling me away from my thoughts.

  I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I stood there dumbfounded as much as he was.

  “Jesus Christ,” Dylan whispered, tugging his long hair back at the nook of his neck. That's when I noticed he was strapped and right next to that on his holster was a shiny badge.

  “You’re a cop?”

  “Detective,” he corrected me.

  I had no idea. Austin never talked about his friends.

  “Well, thanks for not searching him.”

  “He’s my fuckin’ brother, Briggs. I love him.”

  “I know," I whispered, lowering my head, defeated.

  He sighed. “I know he went through some shit after the car accident, but I thought… shit… I hoped he had worked it out. Especially having you by his side now. He fuckin’ adores you, that's not hard to see." He shook his head. "I’ve never seen him look at anyone like he looks at you.”

  “I love him more than anything in this fucked up world. I’m trying, Dylan. I swear to God I’m trying. He's been clean up until now.”

  “Try harder,” he simply stated and left.

  I didn’t give our conversation too much thought. I needed to find Austin. After searching the house and asking if anyone had seen him, I found him. He was down at the beach, sitting in front of the shoreline with his arms draped over his knees. A cigarette in one hand.

  I stopped when I was a few feet behind him, taking in how handsome he looked with the full moon shining down on him. The soft lighting was all around us with the gentle breeze blowing by. I wrapped my arms around my waist in a comforting gesture, needing any solace I could find.

  “I used to come here as a kid. Watch the waves roll in, smell the saltwater in the air. It use

d to be my favorite place to not feel so fucking lost. And here I am sitting in the same exact spot, more fucking lost than I've ever been.”

  “So those two weeks of Hell that we both went through to get you clean." I paused, trying to fight back tears. "They were for nothing? Why do you need drugs to escape, Austin? Why can’t you just face life like everyone else?”

  A single tear slid down my face onto the sand between us.

  “I’m sorry, baby.”

  “You know what the worst part is? I knew the second I held Bo that you would relapse. I didn't want you to see me with him. It’s why I went with Alex into his room. The second I heard her say your name, I knew it was too late. I knew with every fiber of my being you would be fucking weak, that you would betray me and use again. Just tell me one thing… did you already have them on you?”

  “No. I’ve lived in Oak Island all my life, Briggs. It just took a phone call.”

  “Do you have more?”

  “I did but I threw it in the ocean.”

  “And I'm suppose to believe you? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t—”

  He was up and over to me in three strides.

  “I won’t do it again. I promise. It was a one-time thing. I swear—”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “I don’t lie to you. I’ve never lied to you.”

  “Omitting the truth is lying. Jesus Christ, Austin, you don’t have to say it for it to be a lie.”

  “Baby…” He reached for me, and I stepped back, even though all I wanted was for him to hold me.

  “Don't fucking ‘baby’ me right now. I can’t go through watching you suffer again. I can’t keep going through this. Either you go to rehab or I’m gone. It's your choice.”

  “I don’t need rehab. All I need is you.”

  “If that were true, you wouldn’t have just used.”

  Austin

  I bowed my head, rubbing the back of my neck like I always did when I was pissed. I had no one to blame but myself.

  “Fuck,” I groaned, kicking at the sand. “Fuck,” I said a little louder. “FUUUUCK!” I finally screamed out, grabbing a rock from the sand. “Goddamn it, fuck you!” I chucked it as hard as I could in front of me, cursing myself for being such a fuck-up.

  Breathing heavily, heart pounding, mind battling. Fighting all my thoughts, all my emotions, every last sentiment pulling me deeper and deeper until I didn’t know which way was up or down. Knowing the difference between what was right and what was wrong didn’t matter. All of it consumed me as if I were drowning in the waves of the ocean.

  Taking me further down the path of destruction.

  My body was shaking.

  My heart was breaking.

  I couldn’t take it anymore, it was too much, and it was too fucking real. I peered back up at Briggs with my arms out in the air beside me.

  Defeated.

  Once again, fucking defeated.

  With nothing but my remorse, my shame, my guilt.

  “Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I like being this fucking weak? This big of a goddamn pussy? Do you think I want to fucking live like this, Briggs? I hate myself right now! I hate that just watching you hold a baby in your arms can do this to me! Can make me run back to the one thing that will take you away from me! The one thing that fucking matters the most in my life! I don’t know how to be any other way! I don’t know how to feel, to cope and be fucking normal! Even though it’s all I want! I want that more than anything!” I yelled, struggling to keep it together.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Briggs! I can’t fucking live like this! I feel like I’m dying, baby. I feel like I’m fucking dying! Every time you look at me the way you are right now. Every time I know that I have hurt you again! Fucking disappointed you! I didn’t think I could hate myself as much as I do right now! And I don’t know what to do! To make it better for me… for you!” I cried, broken, fucked-up tears falling down the sides of my face.

  “Please… please… fucking help me. I don’t want to lose you, baby. I can’t live without you. I fucking love you! But I know…” I sobbed so hard my body shuddered to the core.

  Taking down the last bit of strength I had. The last bit of courage that was left in me.

  The last part of Austin.

  I fell to my knees in pain. I couldn’t take it anymore and started bawling harder. I sobbed for the first time in front of Briggs, in front of the woman who was trying to save my life, while I just kept trying to destroy it.

  My resolve broke like a chain that had been stretched to the max. I heard it snap loud and clear. Shattering into a million pieces, blending into the sand along with my demons. Except the shackles that were tied around my soul, my heart, and my mind were now secured tighter, restraining, pressing in so fucking deep. So fucking intensely, to the point of blinding agony. Dragging Briggs right along with me.

  I was killing her as much as I was killing myself.

  Our love was bleeding, oozing from the shackles, hammering out of me with each passing second placed between us. I could physically feel it deteriorating away, piece by piece.

  I placed my hand over my heart desperately trying to keep it together. To keep our love where it’s supposed to stay forever, but it was too late. I couldn’t stop it, and for the first time I was terrified that it would never let me go.

  “I know that if I keep using, if I keep going down this road, I’m going to die, and I don’t want to fucking die,” I bellowed, shaking my head. “That’s not an option. I’m not trying to die. But I don’t know how to fucking break free from the demon that lurks in my shadow. Seeing what I saw tonight, you with baby Bo, broke my heart again. I needed to numb the pain, even if it was only for a few minutes.” I looked up at her with a trembling lip, struggling to continue. “I saw her again. Our daughter standing right in front of me with so much sadness in her eyes. Not smiling like all the times before. She took one look at me and shook her head, Briggs. My own drug-infected illusion was disappointed in me. Then she was gone, she vanished.”

  My body fell forward burying my face in my hands letting everything out.

  Every last part of me.

  “I don’t know what to do, Briggs! I wish I could be stronger for you. For us! I wish I could be the man you fell in love with. But I don’t know how! Every single day is a struggle for me to stay sober, and I don’t think it’s ever going away. As much as I want it to… as much as I pray… it’s apart of me now. AND IT WON’T LET ME GO! I thought leaving New York and coming here would eliminate the triggers, but it hasn’t. Please God! Please… fucking help me!”

  She didn’t waver, getting down on her knees to hold my crumbling body in her arms. I went willingly, needing comfort, needing solace.

  Needing her.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please help me, Daisy… please God help me. Please, please.... Take away this fucking pain in my heart. I need you, baby, I need you like I need fucking air to breath. I'm nothing without you! NOTHING! Please… just fucking help me!”

  “It’s going to be okay, Austin. I’m here,” she wallowed, her heart breaking for me.

  I sobbed harder, my face tucked in to her chest with my arms wrapped tightly around her. She was the only thing keeping me together, even though there wasn't much left of my hollow existence.

  Everything changed that night on the beach.

  Briggs took me home, and I slept in her arms all night. Knowing that after tonight I wouldn’t get to hold her for a while. She woke up early the next morning, and I stayed in bed for as long as I could. Battling between my craving to go use and my desire to stay with her. Thank God…

  My love for her won.

  She checked me into rehab.

  And I went willingly.

  Chapter 32

  Austin

  Four years later

  “Go fuck yourself,” Briggs sassed.

  “Why would I do that? When I could just fuck you.”

  She im

mediately got up from her chair to run away.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” I laughed, grabbing her around the waist.

  She shrieked, doubling over as I tickled her.

  “You’re supposed to let me run first. It takes all the fun out of it if you catch me before I get a chance to run, Austin!” she giggled, gasping for air.

  It was still the sweetest sound I’d ever heard.

  “Why would I have to chase you if you’re already in my arms?”

  “Because I run and you chase! That’s the game we play,” she playfully teased.

  I loved these moments with her. She was so carefree and happy again.

  My girl.

  “Is that right?”

  I tickled her one last time before turning her around to face me, roughly smacking her luscious ass and giving it a squeeze. She let out a yelp and squirmed in my arms, trying to break free.

  Her mouth parted and she bit her lower lip, making my cock twitch. I picked her up to straddle my waist, rubbing her up and down my hard dick.

  “I like this game better,” I rasped, carrying her over to the front counter of my tattoo shop.

  Positioning her ass on the edge.

  It had been four years since my relapse that night on the beach. Each day was a struggle, but it was getting better and easier as more time went by. Briggs dropped me off at rehab the morning after I used. I checked myself into the ninety-day program. We only told Dylan what was going on. She told everyone else that I had to finish up some work stuff in New York.

  No one asked after that.

  During that time Briggs got really close to my family and friends, including my dad, which shocked me more than anything did. But then again, she always had that effect on people. She was hard not to love. I knew having a family was what Briggs had always wanted, and I was thrilled that they were able to offer her that.

  Rehab fucking sucked.

  But I stayed and did what I was supposed to.

  For her.

  Anything for her…

  I tried exercises and stretches, but my back pain was still there. Mostly, I just kept ignoring it. It became a part of me like my addiction. I went to my classes, I did my therapy, I found a sponsor, and I worked through my steps to achieve my ultimate goal.